Learning to Trust Yourself

Most of us have goals or dreams of some kind: lose weight, build a thriving business, run a marathon etc. Often to achieve big targets, we look outside of ourselves for motivation. I can openly admit that I’ve held the same goals for years and today I feel only inches closer than I did when I made them. Admittedly along the way I’ve made secondary goals – some were hits, some misses and several were straight out abandoned. I’ve also spent good money and plenty of hours trying to find the guidance or accountability I thought would help me achieve those big hairy dreams that did stick around. Yet, the targets remain … well … dreams. 

All the while I’ve been trying to untangle an internal knot of judgement and disappointment in myself for not having reached every one of these goals after so many years. One day recently I discovered a lack of trust in myself to do the things I know I need to do to achieve my goals. It was stuck tight in that knot with judgment and disappointment. No wonder I couldn’t untangle that mess! 

Most people are familiar with the concepts of self-judgement and being disappointed in themselves but what is this distrust? You, dear Reader, may be more advanced than I am but I’ve only recently discovered that I’ve let myself down so many times that I don’t believe any promises I make to myself anymore. As a result, I figure, no matter what program I purchase or bright idea I come up with, I won’t stick to it. I believe I won’t do the things I know I need to do no matter how badly I want my dreams to be attained – because I can never stick to anything. Maybe you feel the same? 

Recognizing a Lack of Trust in Myself 

Having become aware of this little lack of trust issue recently, I immediately started to think about all the ways this predicament came into place. Suddenly I was flooded with memories of all the times I made resolutions and plans to get on track or make it happen. I even recalled the times I made choices I knew at the time weren’t in my best interest: I wasn’t taking care of myself at the moment. Of course with the memories came the sinking feeling of having failed myself over and over and over again. It was like a punch to the gut each time. It would have been easy to feel more and more terrible about myself but I know that’s not helpful. 

I had to realize that in this self-discovery and self-actualization journey, I can only work with the things I’m aware of. Now I’m aware of the lack of trust in myself so I can work with it. Feeling lower and lower of myself will not get me to the higher aspirations I have. I knew I’d have to come up with a way to turn this around. 

Apologizing to My Self

At first, I thought I should forgive myself for giving up on my promises but then I realized that this time, forgiveness would need an apology first. No, I don’t know why that would be required, it just felt very necessary. I somehow knew that I had to apologize to the part of me that I hurt when I did give up. I also knew that making a promise to do better would be useless because I already didn’t believe it. I have to apologize to that hurt piece of me AND THEN PROVE that I can do better now that I’m aware of the injury.  

Suddenly the image of someone working to get a stray or abused dog to trust them popped into my head. So weird, but somehow it seemed pretty accurate. I realized then that this could be a slow process – to rebuild the trust I’d lost in myself. I got to work! Then I noticed people have been saying the things I’d been doing way better than I could write them, so I’ll share them here with you! 

Start Building Trust with the Little Things

I had a feeling I couldn’t begin with my “big goals.” I’d have to start with little things. Right there! what you just read, is what James Clear talks about in his book Atomic Habits. In his book, he discusses making small improvements in habits and then building on them over time. This may be the ticket not only to rebuilding my trust in myself but to reaching my dreams and goals.

So what kind of little things can I use to begin building this trust muscle? I could maybe select healthier snack choices to take to work or munch on in the car for longer drives. That feels more reasonable than suddenly expecting to change my entire diet all in one shot. And because that’s not so overwhelming, maybe I could do a little something to improve a habit I know I need to get me moving on one of my other dreams! Doing two little things certainly seems more sustainable than doing even one monumental change. I can work with this! 

I’ve only read and listened to the book at least 3 times! I’m happy to know that the knowledge is stuck somewhere in this brain of mine! 

Daily Intentions and End-of-Day Reflections

After the a-ha about building Atomic Habits, I learned about the value of stating daily intentions through Gina Livy. I’d been loosely following her weight loss program and only in the last few weeks (of a 90-day program!) did I start one of her key elements: daily intentions and end-of-day reflections. She stresses the value of writing down daily intentions in the morning and then reflecting on how the day went by journaling the end-of-day reflections. 

This practice isn’t about finding ways to judge yourself; it’s about becoming aware of your thoughts and actions. It’s also about becoming accountable to yourself by becoming aware of what you say vs. what you do as well as the things that pop up to derail you throughout the day. It’s about becoming aware of your progress, not reaching some weird idea of perfection. 

Keeping Your Promises to Yourself

And THEN this video from Mel Robbins came up in my feed where she talks about keeping your word to yourself. I know she was saying the context of it in doing the things you say you’re going to do which is amazing, but I had an additional a-ha about it. I took it to additionally mean not telling others about these promises to yourself. 

Why does that matter? I think not telling others about my intentions to change a habit removes the added pressure of “they don’t believe me anymore either” or whatever thoughts I might think about what others might think of me too. Then inch by inch I can quietly and steadily work on myself without the distractions of external prompting or accountability. 

Let’s be honest, I’m not sure anyone cares as much about my personal goals as I do. I know I have people in my life who care deeply for my happiness and want me to achieve my goals. In the end, whether I do or not is none of their business. They all have goals of their own too. I wish them well and hope they make their dreams come true, but I too am not invested in them.

5 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Yourself

So… to break all that down … here’s how we can rebuild trust in ourselves so that we can achieve any goal or dream we have:

1. Apologize to the parts of ourselves that have been hurt. 
2. Rebuild trust slowly, starting with little things and building on them.
3. Write down daily intentions and end-of-day reflections to increase awareness of our actions and implications. 
4. Focus on progress over perfection because there will probably always be room for improvement so we might as well get comfortable with simple progress. 
5. Keep our promises to ourselves in both contexts: doing the things and not telling people.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is 100% an inside job! I’ve been consciously working on rebuilding my trust in myself for about 6 months now and I think this process is working pretty well for me so far. Like that timid stray dog, my psyche might need a bit more time but I’m willing to stick it out. I hope you do too!